Let's talk about screaming. See, a couple years ago, I was at a hockey game...
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No credits this time. I took this one. ;) |
Well, maybe I should preface this by saying I love a loud arena. I love the excitement in the air. I love the synchronized chants of, "Let's go, Jac-kets!"
*Clap, clap, clap-clap, clap!* I love it, okay? I dig the noise.
That said, I hate ignorant screaming. At this particular game, I was sitting near the most ignorant of screamers. This is how it went down. I kid you not. There was this half-drunk woman behind us—we'll call her Tracy—hitting on a couple of Canadian guys. They didn't know each other. You know what? To make it easier, I'll tell it in story form. Ahem!
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Tracy nurses her beer, peering down at the ice. "What are they doooing? Did we score yet?"
The two men to her left share a glance before the closest one leans over. "They're warming up."
"Oh." She frowns, scanning the arena. "Whoa. Who's that hottie? Does he play for us?"
"Number sixty-one?" he asks with an incredulous stare. "That's your captain. Rick Nash."
Her pupils dilate, and she leans forward with renewed interest. "Nash, huh?"
<Skip ahead to the middle of the first period>
"Woo, Nash! That's my man!" Tracy shrieks, cupping her hands to her face. She stands up, wiggling her bottom. "Nash! Hey, Nash! Marry me! I love you!"
The guys snicker, watching the display.
"Try calling him Rick," the closest one suggests. "Maybe he'll turn around."
"Ricky, baby, turn around! I love you!" When he doesn't respond, she flops back down, and beer sloshes over the edge of her glass. "Hey, when's halftime?"
<Skip ahead to the middle of the second period>
Tracy is leaning over her seat, infatuated. "Ohmygawd. Wait. You guys are really Canadian? Do you, like, play hockey? Everyone plays hockey there, don't they?"
"A bit in school," the farthest man answers. "Not for a while."
"Can you say 'eh' for me? Do you..." she trails off, her attention caught by something on the ice. "Oh, it's my man! MY MAN! NASH! NASH!"
About this time, a slightly perturbed writer interupts. "That's not Nash," she says. "That's fifty-one. Fedor Tyutin. Nash is sixty-one."
"Oh." Tracy sinks down in her seat, disappointed. "WHY WON'T THEY LET NASH PLAY?!"
Everyone in the section groans.
<Skip ahead to the third period>
"How do they skate that fast while dribbling the little ball-thing?" Tracy asks, squinting her eyes in concentration. "I couldn't do it."
"Let me kill her," the writer begs her sister. "I'll be quick about it. I promise."
Her sister shakes her head.
"Hey, your boy's out there." One of the men points to the ice, a shit-eating grin on his face.
Tracy's up in a flash, waving and bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Nash! Nash!"
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The point(s) of this story?
- Stop screaming, Twitter-spammers. We hear you. You have a book, and you want us to buy it. We don't need to be reminded seven times a day. If you're not careful, you'll end up a Tracy, and nobody likes a Tracy.
(I'm just kidding, people-named-Tracy. I still ♥ you.)
- Please know what you're talking about, before you start yelling about it. Common sense.
- Don't ruin hockey games for
me the writer. She gets cranky. ;)
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